Providence citizens began preparing for a year-long Halloween initiative last October, and this week the wait finally ended. Thousands of kids trapped in adult bodies collected numerous costumes over the past few months, but now that the time has come to dress up, a worrisome question looms on the horizon of the city’s pumpkin-lined streets: Is an existential crisis worth free candy?
According to the fine folks of West Framingport, a small town tucked away in northwestern Rhode Island that adopted a similar movement five years ago, the crises stemming from struggles with self identity vary amongst the townspeople. For former Navy officer Brian Moran, the year-long celebration has come with an interesting caveat.
In the still of night, the whispers can be heard about campus; calls to the Black Bird of the Woods with a Thousand Young, and the shrill cries of… turkeys?
Last Friday evening, the chatter in the Don spoke of unusual activity on campus—soft hints of a gathering by the woods near the west end of campus. Sitting alone at the shadowy end of the dining hall, a black-cloaked individual stared into an uneaten plate of turkey and gravy over mashed potatoes, and spoke in hushed tones.
“…and unto he that knoweth the signs and uttereth the words, all earthly pleasures shall be granted,” the voice said, and finished with a short chuckle. The mysterious person left the table and exited the dining center.
The longtime capitalist regime known as Student Community Government, Inc. was overthrown by a splinter cell of student communists last week. During Wednesday’s Parliament meeting, SCG President Roberta Santini was about to address the ongoing case of missing student funds, but was interrupted by roughly 100 loudly chanting student protesters, led by the nefarious student activist, Jim Brady.
“Waste of money, waste of time, leave our campus, and stop this crime!”
Deputy Speaker Samantha Mandeville pounded her gavel and demanded the protestors leave the room immediately. At Brady’s direction, the students hoisted her above their heads and carried her out of the Student Union amidst her shouts of protest and flailing appendages.
In a whirlwind of traffic violations and psychotropic drugs, The Anchor’s editor-in-chief, Jim Brady, returned to Rhode Island College last week with an
impromptu police “escort.” According to multiple student eyewitnesses, the chase ended outside of Horace Mann Thursday night, with all involved walking away unscathed, but severely exhausted.
Brady, who is being fingered as the possible culprit behind a large amount of missing student funds earlier this semester, fled to Atlantic City with his dog a few weeks back. It was alleged that Brady was seeking help at an area rehab center, but when initial reports broke regarding a police chase on Rt. 44 in Johnston, the editor-in-chief’s name spread through police scanners. With news of his arrival reaching campus minutes ahead of him, Brady was met by RIC campus police.
Crack investigative journalist Frank Wellington, and student private eye Rick Nöse, begin their own investigations of a highly disrespected member of the college community after an
undisclosed, yet assuredly vast amount of student money was reported missing Friday evening.
Student Community Government Lieutenant of Talent Relations and Monetary Inquiries and Trusts Devon Al-Singh contacted local media outlets with a press release regarding the financial shortage.
“For years, SCG Inc. has taken pride in knowing where all missing funds end up. So I am pleased to announce that we have finally found a lead regarding our latest misplacement of student money,” read the release.