Action in scene|Shop Talk

I’ve been thinking a lot about action in scene lately. Turns out I’m not the only one. In fact, according to this gem of a post I found on The Writing Garden, one of my favorite contemporary authors, Chuck Palahniuk, has some great advice on the subject: It’s all about eliminating thought verbs. I’ve reposted it here as I find the font of the original to be difficult on the eyes. Enjoy.

Continue reading “Action in scene|Shop Talk”

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Mid-class bathroom breaks land students in the poo

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

If you’re looking to pass this semester, you may need to hold it. In accordance with the new Classroom Requirements of Accepted Protocol policy, Rhode Island College students are now forbidden to use the restroom during class periods.

The CRAP policy went into effect last Wednesday, and was met with immediate student outrage.

“Do you believe this CRAP,” asked senior English major, Tom Dunn. “I mean, I nearly soiled my britches all because a few uptight professors can’t get going without some prune juice? What a crock!” 0-days-since-a-nonsence-01-293x300

What’s more, the CRAP policy doesn’t just mean students aren’t allowed to leave the classroom for a much-needed bathroom break; the restrooms on campus will now be monitored via card swipe. If students would like to visit the restrooms in Craig Lee, for instance, they must swipe their student ID cards; if they’re supposed to be in class at the time of the swipe, the door will not open.

According to CRAP policy co-writer and professor of English, Katerina Knickyknack, the new policy addresses her need for firm control.

“When a student leaves during class to use the restroom, it is disruptive and extremely rude to both the class and myself,” said Knickyknack. “They can either go before class or hold it. And on a note of personal preference, I no longer allow water bottles in any of my classrooms; I like to avoid disruption at all costs.”

After the first day of hosting this new CRAP policy, the college community witnessed the onset of an angry student mob during Wednesday night’s Comrades-in-Arms meeting. Student Committee of the Communist Party commissar, Jim Brady, met the mob head on with sympathetic righteousness.

“Students—my people—I understand your plight,” started Brady. “The SCCP shall flush this excrement through the foul sewers of your fair college. No more shall you wallow in this CRAP policy.”

The steamed mob cheered, but the mood swung when a random student shouted.

“This new policy is shit!”

The commissar was quick to address the potty-mouthed student.

“Sir, I shan’t have such filth spoken in my chambers,” said Brady. “We go out of our way to speak without expletives—I appreciate if you would do the same.”

After the room took in Brady’s brilliance, a dictate was offered by the commissar himself to abolish the CRAP policy. The SCCP exploded with cheers for their wise leader and sang songs of praise to his eminence.

When policies such as CRAP are enforced, it is up to the students to take matters into their own hands. And when that fails, they find guidance in a strong student leader—the voice of the people. So, if you’re finding it hard to pass this semester, don’t force the issue. Instead, just relax—unclench those butt cheeks—and administer a much needed enema.

 

Idea farming|Shop Talk

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Ideas don’t grow on trees, but wouldn’t it be something if they did? A world where great ideas sprouted every spring, just waiting for motivated writers to come pluck ingenuity from the Idea Tree. For a writer, it’d be the greatest harvest ever. And yet, every October, we’d all be rushing to the Idea Tree, hoping to gather up some sort of bounty to make up for our procrastination, only to leave empty-handed and stepping on rotten ideas that fell from the tree long ago.

Aside from the Idea Tree, where do they come from? A silly question, no doubt. The truth of the matter is rather simple: anywhere. The above paragraph is an example of such an idea farm–literally and figuratively. Ideas growing on a tree is absurd, but the fiction of such a notion isn’t half bad. It’s the all important what if moment. When thinking about even the most trivial of topics or cliche phrases, just imagine what life would be like if that crazy thing were actually real. Raining cats and dogs? Dangerous. Stock market crash? I hope no one was hurt.

Of course, practicing this isn’t a recipe for instant success, though. Keeping an open ear–and mind–when listening to people speak, or watching a movie, can spark the what if idea. In fact, I was watching the incomparable George Carlin on Netflix before writing this post, and he does a bit about dead people and address books. He made a joke about deleting people from the contacts list of a phone after they die. As usual, Carlin was funny and on point about the situation, but what dawned on me was how messed up it would be if you could delete a person on your contact list and cause them to die. I thought, What would that be like? And there it is, a new idea for a short story.

Anyway, generating ideas is easier than we think, but it still takes some mental effort to get there. Good ideas don’t just fall out of the sky, and they certainly don’t grow on trees–but imagine if they did.

On Writing

 

I write crappy poetry–

a lot of crappy poetry.

I use repetitive language,

wax superfluously,

and jot in a method archaic.

 

But not always.

At times it’s stream of consciousness filling a line ’til my words have gone too

far…

 

I write to write,

for the sake of writing.

I write to the right,

forever chasing a blinking cursor. |

I write for rights

of speech and expression.

I’m alright with writing

assignments on deadline

though they tend to get pushed

                                                         aside

 

Once in a while,

I’ll scribble down a story,

scrap it for trash

and not feel worried,

because it lives inside,

in my heart and in my mind,

while it mingles with thoughts

I thought I’d never find.

I think of myself as a writer

Am I a writer?

I’m doing a good job writing

As for being a writer,

I’m doing just fine.