Mid-class bathroom breaks land students in the poo

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

If you’re looking to pass this semester, you may need to hold it. In accordance with the new Classroom Requirements of Accepted Protocol policy, Rhode Island College students are now forbidden to use the restroom during class periods.

The CRAP policy went into effect last Wednesday, and was met with immediate student outrage.

“Do you believe this CRAP,” asked senior English major, Tom Dunn. “I mean, I nearly soiled my britches all because a few uptight professors can’t get going without some prune juice? What a crock!” 0-days-since-a-nonsence-01-293x300

What’s more, the CRAP policy doesn’t just mean students aren’t allowed to leave the classroom for a much-needed bathroom break; the restrooms on campus will now be monitored via card swipe. If students would like to visit the restrooms in Craig Lee, for instance, they must swipe their student ID cards; if they’re supposed to be in class at the time of the swipe, the door will not open.

According to CRAP policy co-writer and professor of English, Katerina Knickyknack, the new policy addresses her need for firm control.

“When a student leaves during class to use the restroom, it is disruptive and extremely rude to both the class and myself,” said Knickyknack. “They can either go before class or hold it. And on a note of personal preference, I no longer allow water bottles in any of my classrooms; I like to avoid disruption at all costs.”

After the first day of hosting this new CRAP policy, the college community witnessed the onset of an angry student mob during Wednesday night’s Comrades-in-Arms meeting. Student Committee of the Communist Party commissar, Jim Brady, met the mob head on with sympathetic righteousness.

“Students—my people—I understand your plight,” started Brady. “The SCCP shall flush this excrement through the foul sewers of your fair college. No more shall you wallow in this CRAP policy.”

The steamed mob cheered, but the mood swung when a random student shouted.

“This new policy is shit!”

The commissar was quick to address the potty-mouthed student.

“Sir, I shan’t have such filth spoken in my chambers,” said Brady. “We go out of our way to speak without expletives—I appreciate if you would do the same.”

After the room took in Brady’s brilliance, a dictate was offered by the commissar himself to abolish the CRAP policy. The SCCP exploded with cheers for their wise leader and sang songs of praise to his eminence.

When policies such as CRAP are enforced, it is up to the students to take matters into their own hands. And when that fails, they find guidance in a strong student leader—the voice of the people. So, if you’re finding it hard to pass this semester, don’t force the issue. Instead, just relax—unclench those butt cheeks—and administer a much needed enema.

 

Whispers in the darkness

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King – Mediocre Investigative Journalist

Be careful when speaking the words of power while on campus.

In the still of night, the whispers can be heard about campus; calls to the Black Bird of the Woods with a Thousand Young, and the shrill cries of… turkeys?

Last Friday evening, the chatter in the Don spoke of unusual activity on campus—soft hints of a gathering by the woods near the west end of campus. Sitting alone at the shadowy end of the dining hall, a black-cloaked individual stared into an uneaten plate of turkey and gravy over mashed potatoes, and spoke in hushed tones.

“…and unto he that knoweth the signs and uttereth the words, all earthly pleasures shall be granted,” the voice said, and finished with a short chuckle. The mysterious person left the table and exited the dining center.

Continue reading “Whispers in the darkness”

SCG overthrown in student power play

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

This establishment has had 0 days since a nonsense. We shan't tolerate a moment longer!
This regime has had 0 days since a nonsense. We shan’t tolerate a moment longer!

The longtime capitalist regime known as Student Community Government, Inc. was overthrown by a splinter cell of student communists last week. During Wednesday’s Parliament meeting, SCG President Roberta Santini was about to address the ongoing case of missing student funds, but was interrupted by roughly 100 loudly chanting student protesters, led by the nefarious student activist, Jim Brady.

“Waste of money, waste of time, leave our campus, and stop this crime!”

Deputy Speaker Samantha Mandeville pounded her gavel and demanded the protestors leave the room immediately. At Brady’s direction, the students hoisted her above their heads and carried her out of the Student Union amidst her shouts of protest and flailing appendages.

Continue reading “SCG overthrown in student power play”

Car chase ends in SU Loop foot race

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

In a whirlwind of traffic violations and psychotropic drugs, The Anchor’s editor-in-chief, Jim Brady, returned to Rhode Island College last week with an

Nonsense shan't be tolerated, especially in a faux news piece. Please direct all complaints directly to el administrator del nonsensico.
Reader beware, faux news lives here.

impromptu police “escort.” According to multiple student eyewitnesses, the chase ended outside of Horace Mann Thursday night, with all involved walking away unscathed, but severely exhausted.

Brady, who is being fingered as the possible culprit behind a large amount of missing student funds earlier this semester, fled to Atlantic City with his dog a few weeks back. It was alleged that Brady was seeking help at an area rehab center, but when initial reports broke regarding a police chase on Rt. 44 in Johnston, the editor-in-chief’s name spread through police scanners. With news of his arrival reaching campus minutes ahead of him, Brady was met by RIC campus police.

Continue reading “Car chase ends in SU Loop foot race”

“Misplaced” student funds, fingers point to anchorhead

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

Crack investigative journalist Frank Wellington, and student private eye Rick Nöse, begin their own investigations of a highly disrespected member of the college community after an

Nonsense shan't be tolerated, especially in a faux news piece. Please direct all complaints directly to el administrator del nonsensico.
Nonsense shan’t be tolerated, especially in a faux news piece. Please direct all complaints directly to el administrator del nonsensico.

undisclosed, yet assuredly vast amount of student money was reported missing Friday evening.

Student Community Government Lieutenant of Talent Relations and Monetary Inquiries and Trusts Devon Al-Singh contacted local media outlets with a press release regarding the financial shortage.

“For years, SCG Inc. has taken pride in knowing where all missing funds end up. So I am pleased to announce that we have finally found a lead regarding our latest misplacement of student money,” read the release.

Continue reading ““Misplaced” student funds, fingers point to anchorhead”