Originally posted in The Anchor
Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist
If you’re looking to pass this semester, you may need to hold it. In accordance with the new Classroom Requirements of Accepted Protocol policy, Rhode Island College students are now forbidden to use the restroom during class periods.
The CRAP policy went into effect last Wednesday, and was met with immediate student outrage.
“Do you believe this CRAP,” asked senior English major, Tom Dunn. “I mean, I nearly soiled my britches all because a few uptight professors can’t get going without some prune juice? What a crock!”
What’s more, the CRAP policy doesn’t just mean students aren’t allowed to leave the classroom for a much-needed bathroom break; the restrooms on campus will now be monitored via card swipe. If students would like to visit the restrooms in Craig Lee, for instance, they must swipe their student ID cards; if they’re supposed to be in class at the time of the swipe, the door will not open.
According to CRAP policy co-writer and professor of English, Katerina Knickyknack, the new policy addresses her need for firm control.
“When a student leaves during class to use the restroom, it is disruptive and extremely rude to both the class and myself,” said Knickyknack. “They can either go before class or hold it. And on a note of personal preference, I no longer allow water bottles in any of my classrooms; I like to avoid disruption at all costs.”
After the first day of hosting this new CRAP policy, the college community witnessed the onset of an angry student mob during Wednesday night’s Comrades-in-Arms meeting. Student Committee of the Communist Party commissar, Jim Brady, met the mob head on with sympathetic righteousness.
“Students—my people—I understand your plight,” started Brady. “The SCCP shall flush this excrement through the foul sewers of your fair college. No more shall you wallow in this CRAP policy.”
The steamed mob cheered, but the mood swung when a random student shouted.
“This new policy is shit!”
The commissar was quick to address the potty-mouthed student.
“Sir, I shan’t have such filth spoken in my chambers,” said Brady. “We go out of our way to speak without expletives—I appreciate if you would do the same.”
After the room took in Brady’s brilliance, a dictate was offered by the commissar himself to abolish the CRAP policy. The SCCP exploded with cheers for their wise leader and sang songs of praise to his eminence.
When policies such as CRAP are enforced, it is up to the students to take matters into their own hands. And when that fails, they find guidance in a strong student leader—the voice of the people. So, if you’re finding it hard to pass this semester, don’t force the issue. Instead, just relax—unclench those butt cheeks—and administer a much needed enema.