In victory speech, Raimondo vows to save the name Gina

Great news for women in Rhode Island

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Gina Raimondo (D) addresses supporters during last night's victory speech in Providence, vowing to "set a new standard for what it means to be named Gina in Rhode Island." Gina Raimondo (D) addresses supporters during last night’s victory speech in Providence, vowing to “set a new standard for what it means to be named Gina in Rhode Island.”

Providence, R.I.— In her victory speech from the Biltmore Hotel, Governor-Elect Gina Raimondo (D) promised supporters she would do everything in her power to “rescue the name Gina from the stereotypes that have held us back for decades.”

“For too long, people have associated the name Gina with huge hair, acrylic nails, and chewing gum while talking through a nasally accent,” Raimondo said to loud applause. “And today, you voted to reject the tired idea that being named Gina means having your first date in a auto body shop, while Van Halen plays in the background.”

Raimondo is not your everyday Gina, especially by Ocean State standards. Having attended Harvard, Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar, and Yale Law School, the outgoing state treasurer is known for thinking through issues in a pragmatic…

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URI setback: Discovered fossils actually living tenured faculty

It’s Jurassic Park all over again…or something like that.

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University of Rhode Island Professor of Literature Dr. Julia Philmont expresses outrage that she and her tenured colleagues were confused with fossilized ancient remains. University of Rhode Island Professor of Cultural Studies Dr. Julia Philmont expresses outrage that she and her tenured colleagues were confused with ancient, fossilized remains.

KINGSTON, R.I.– The University of Rhode Island (URI) suffered a major setback Wednesday, after what appeared to be an unprecedented discovery of ancient human remains turned out to be the withered bodies of the institution’s living, breathing tenured faculty members.

According to the university’s public relations office, the confusion began after URI’s provost urged tenured faculty to remain current in their respective fields, so as to make the institution more nationally competitive. However, due to loss of hearing and the onset senility common among tenured faculty, many professors misinterpreted the suggestion as a literal one.

The result: dozens of aging, lifetime academics bestrew themselves horizontally in the many fields comprising the idyllic South County campus.

Due to the decaying, fragile states of many long-serving professors, research teams in the Archeology Department misinterpreted their interdepartmental colleagues with the preserved bones of…

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BREAKING: Rhode Islanders cure ALS with roster of iced-downed nobodies

Medical advances straight from the Ocean State.

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Dr. Saul Epstein addresses reporters in Washington, exclusively crediting Rhode Islanders Ice Bucket Challenge participants for curing ALS.

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Move over, Bill Gates and Britney Spears. Thanks to the efforts of countless no-name Rhode Islanders dumping buckets of ice water over their heads on social media, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced Tuesday a cure for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS).

Background

In recent months, the social media hashtag #ALSicebucketchallenge has seen a wave of high profile celebrities dumping buckets of ice water on their heads, in an effort to raise awareness for those suffering with ALS. Participants are publicly nominated by a friend to take the challenge. Once nominated, a participant has 24 hours to either complete the challenge themselves or donate 100 dollars to an organization doing legitimate, tangible work to actually end the disease.

Since its onslaught of popularity, a wave of everyday people have taken up the ice bucket challenge, including a roster…

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