Originally posted in The Anchor
Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist
Providence citizens began preparing for a year-long Halloween initiative last October, and this week the wait finally ended. Thousands of kids trapped in adult bodies collected numerous costumes over the past few months, but now that the time has come to dress up, a worrisome question looms on the horizon of the city’s pumpkin-lined streets: Is an existential crisis worth free candy?
According to the fine folks of West Framingport, a small town tucked away in northwestern Rhode Island that adopted a similar movement five years ago, the crises stemming from struggles with self identity vary amongst the townspeople. For former Navy officer Brian Moran, the year-long celebration has come with an interesting caveat.
“Yes, number one,” said Moran, dressed as Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. “I believe the people of West Framingport are benefitting greatly.”
But not everyone is sold on the now five-year-long initiative. One such dissenter, Terry Malloy, blames the Halloween town for his misfortunes.
“You don’t understand,” said Malloy. “I could’ve had class. I could’ve been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.”
As for Providence residents, a change to the everyday grind might be an immediate welcome, but longterm issues such as diabetes, existential crises of self, and a feared makeup shortage weren’t enough to curb the young, enthusiastic voting demographic at Rhode Island College.
“Yeah, I think people just need to lighten up,” said Victor Martelle, a senior Social Work/Slouching major. “If we all get to express ourselves all the time, our inner desires are satisfied, and our negative self perceptions will become shattered and replaced by true inner happiness.”
With last fall’s impromptu vote on the matter being passed with a one percent margin of victory, the over 9,000-student campus may have been responsible for the win. Commissar Jim Brady, representing the recently formed Student Committee of the Communist Party, went on record during President Barack Obama’s speech in the Murray Center, stating that he was the driving student force behind the passing of the All Hallows Eve All the Time bill.
“The prez said it well when he said, ‘When women succeed, America succeeds,’ and that’s exactly my reason for brainwashing the masses at RIC to vote for the AHEAT bill,” said Brady. “If we’re all women, and we all succeed, just think how much greater our city would be. I, for one, can’t wait to find myself.”
Whether Providence is ready for this transition into the existential hunting grounds, it’s unclear, but when asked if all towns should adopt the Halloween edict, Moran shared three wise words.
“Make it so.”