Literally nothing happened

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

"Students may have sat around campus last week, mouths agape and staring off into the distance as campus life as we knew it came to a grinding halt. But we simply won't know."
“Students may have sat around campus last week, mouths agape and staring off into the distance as campus life as we knew it came to a grinding halt. But we simply won’t know.”

Given the recent campus car chase, missing student funds, and coup of the former student governing body, nothing happened last week. Literally.

Students may have sat around campus last week, mouths agape and staring off into the distance as campus life as we knew it came to a grinding halt. But we simply won’t know.

According to Programming spokesperson, Julia Cringeworth, group events on campus weren’t cancelled–they simply didn’t take place.

“We had expected a high turnout for campus activities last week. I guess we were wrong. Come to think of it, I couldn’t even tell you if anyone actually showed up. I know I didn’t,” Cringeworth said.

In trying to follow the breadcrumbs regarding the lack of anything, student emails help verify last week’s stagnant atmosphere: there were none. No emails. Not even spam.

Vice President for Student Interactions via Electronic Communications, Twitter and Instagram Scott Kane released a statement earlier today regarding the campus’ electronic blackout.

“Nothing happened.”

Even the Campus Police blotter for last week was blank. According to RIC’s automated Campo-bot 4k, last week was a good reflection of falling campus crime rates.

Crime statistics for last week: ZERO theft, ZERO assault, ZERO vandalism. The campus is secure. Beep-boop-beep.

So, what does the college plan to do about the nothingness that may or may not have occurred last week? President Nancy “Fancy Pants Nance” Carriuolo had announced that she would address the campus this Thursday in the Murray Center, but has cancelled the assembly due to contracting food poisoning from a bowl’a clam chowder.

In her stead, Student Committee of the Communist Party Commissar Jim Brady has addressed the RIC community via email.

“People, my people, your beloved commissar has ensured that nothing will never happen again. My record clearly shows my experience with nothing, and as your SCCP commissar, nothing will stop me,” Brady proclaimed.

While RIC administration continues to do nothing about nothing, hopefully there will be much ado about something sometime soon.

 

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