Originally posted in The Anchor
Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist
The longtime capitalist regime known as Student Community Government, Inc. was overthrown by a splinter cell of student communists last week. During Wednesday’s Parliament meeting, SCG President Roberta Santini was about to address the ongoing case of missing student funds, but was interrupted by roughly 100 loudly chanting student protesters, led by the nefarious student activist, Jim Brady.
“Waste of money, waste of time, leave our campus, and stop this crime!”
Deputy Speaker Samantha Mandeville pounded her gavel and demanded the protestors leave the room immediately. At Brady’s direction, the students hoisted her above their heads and carried her out of the Student Union amidst her shouts of protest and flailing appendages.
“What do you think you’re doing? Stop it. Put me down. Someone help me!” Mandeville was heard yelling all the way down the stairwell. She was later found deposited in the dumpster outside of the Café, screaming for assistance, unable to climb out on her own.
Brady proclaimed his innocence in the matter of missing student funds, and made an accusation of his own.
“This aggression will not stand, man. I mean, your president owes money all over town, and you try to finger me? Laughable. I’ll tear this institution to the ground,” Brady said. “Minions, do my bidding!”
The swarm of student protesters hogtied the remaining executive members and symbolically disbanded Parliament by burning copies of Roberts Rules of Order and the SCG bylaws in the trash barrel outside of the Student Union ballroom, while Brady danced the waltz with the tied up Santini.
Protesters then marched to the SCG offices, where they ransacked the president’s office, and reassigned the space as their own. By the end of the night, the Student Union was painted in the new school colors: red, accompanied by yellow trim–a color scheme not far off from the former school colors.
Brady then established the new governing body at RIC: the Student Committee of the Communist Party. His constituents egged on their leader’s ego, crying out for his love and guidance in this brave new RIC world. Brady was then crowned as the first commissar of the SCCP.
May his reign long drag on.