Car chase ends in SU Loop foot race

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

In a whirlwind of traffic violations and psychotropic drugs, The Anchor’s editor-in-chief, Jim Brady, returned to Rhode Island College last week with an

Nonsense shan't be tolerated, especially in a faux news piece. Please direct all complaints directly to el administrator del nonsensico.
Reader beware, faux news lives here.

impromptu police “escort.” According to multiple student eyewitnesses, the chase ended outside of Horace Mann Thursday night, with all involved walking away unscathed, but severely exhausted.

Brady, who is being fingered as the possible culprit behind a large amount of missing student funds earlier this semester, fled to Atlantic City with his dog a few weeks back. It was alleged that Brady was seeking help at an area rehab center, but when initial reports broke regarding a police chase on Rt. 44 in Johnston, the editor-in-chief’s name spread through police scanners. With news of his arrival reaching campus minutes ahead of him, Brady was met by RIC campus police.

Lieutenant Jeff Brunelle, an old family friend of Brady, pleaded with the anchorhead via cellphone to turn himself in, but was unable to coax the severely inebriated chief editor.

“The chase reminded me of my younger days, when I used to pal around with his old man. Now those were some times–talk about fast cars and being inebriated… Anyway, there was just no getting through to him.”

Brady piloted his wood paneled ’92 Buick Century wagon down Fruit Hill, blindly careening around corners, narrowly missing student and resident pedestrians alike. After plowing through President Carriuolo’s much prized rhododendrons and a few campus turkeys, Brady sped along College Road at top speeds of 30 mph before hopping the curb and crashing his vehicle into a parked Donovan Dining Service’s food truck in the Student Union Loop.

Providence, Johnston, and campus police converged on Brady’s abandoned vehicle and continued the chase on foot, which saw the mind-altered student leader run into the Ducey Media Center. The Anchor’s Josh Estrella shared his account of the foot chase.

“[Brady] ran past our office, toward WXIN, with his dog under one arm, wearing yellowed tighty whities and a Hawaiian print Santa Claus jacket, yelling, ‘It’s okay, I’m a paraprofessional!”

The foot race took to the SU Loop once more a minute later, where police and campus administrators tried to corral Brady. While the chase took an all-too-familiar cartoon-like encircling of Lot K, WXIN blasted “Yakety Sax” over their outdoor speakers, allowing all in attendance to truly appreciate the humor of the situation.

Finally apprehended, Brady was placed under arrest and released on his own recognizance the next day, when he was rumored to have distributed large sums of cash to local law enforcement officials. While Providence and Johnston police departments declined to comment on the transfer of funds, they did confirm they will not be pressing charges.

“The comedic end to the day’s events provided more than enough entertainment to compensate for the damages and man power, so we see no reason at this time to press charges,” said Chief Fife.

As of Sunday, it is still unclear as to whether RIC will press charges against the dangerous student leader.

 

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