“Misplaced” student funds, fingers point to anchorhead

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

Crack investigative journalist Frank Wellington, and student private eye Rick Nöse, begin their own investigations of a highly disrespected member of the college community after an

Nonsense shan't be tolerated, especially in a faux news piece. Please direct all complaints directly to el administrator del nonsensico.
Nonsense shan’t be tolerated, especially in a faux news piece. Please direct all complaints directly to el administrator del nonsensico.

undisclosed, yet assuredly vast amount of student money was reported missing Friday evening.

Student Community Government Lieutenant of Talent Relations and Monetary Inquiries and Trusts Devon Al-Singh contacted local media outlets with a press release regarding the financial shortage.

“For years, SCG Inc. has taken pride in knowing where all missing funds end up. So I am pleased to announce that we have finally found a lead regarding our latest misplacement of student money,” read the release.

When asked to disclose the actual amount over a Sunday morning phone call, Al-Singh was speechless, but offered a chuckle and loud whistle. While not altogether helpful, he did offer a hot tip regarding a potential money-stealing candidate.

“I’m not one to point fingers, but I’d check the top ranks of RIC’s mediocre news source.”

After numerous attempts to contact The Anchor’s editor-in-chief, Jim Brady, failed, his secretary, Miss Jenkins, released the following statement.

“Mr. Brady is vacationing in Atlantic City with his dog, and will be out of the office until he returns.”

Both Wellington and Nöse have requested all media outlets discontinue coverage, so as to smoke out the elusive anchorhead. While we all wait for Mr. Brady’s safe return from the Polluted Boardwalk Springs Rehab Resort and Day Spa, students will continue to go without.

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