URI setback: Discovered fossils actually living tenured faculty

It’s Jurassic Park all over again…or something like that.

LOL RI

University of Rhode Island Professor of Literature Dr. Julia Philmont expresses outrage that she and her tenured colleagues were confused with fossilized ancient remains. University of Rhode Island Professor of Cultural Studies Dr. Julia Philmont expresses outrage that she and her tenured colleagues were confused with ancient, fossilized remains.

KINGSTON, R.I.– The University of Rhode Island (URI) suffered a major setback Wednesday, after what appeared to be an unprecedented discovery of ancient human remains turned out to be the withered bodies of the institution’s living, breathing tenured faculty members.

According to the university’s public relations office, the confusion began after URI’s provost urged tenured faculty to remain current in their respective fields, so as to make the institution more nationally competitive. However, due to loss of hearing and the onset senility common among tenured faculty, many professors misinterpreted the suggestion as a literal one.

The result: dozens of aging, lifetime academics bestrew themselves horizontally in the many fields comprising the idyllic South County campus.

Due to the decaying, fragile states of many long-serving professors, research teams in the Archeology Department misinterpreted their interdepartmental colleagues with the preserved bones of…

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