URI setback: Discovered fossils actually living tenured faculty

It’s Jurassic Park all over again…or something like that.

LOL RI

University of Rhode Island Professor of Literature Dr. Julia Philmont expresses outrage that she and her tenured colleagues were confused with fossilized ancient remains. University of Rhode Island Professor of Cultural Studies Dr. Julia Philmont expresses outrage that she and her tenured colleagues were confused with ancient, fossilized remains.

KINGSTON, R.I.– The University of Rhode Island (URI) suffered a major setback Wednesday, after what appeared to be an unprecedented discovery of ancient human remains turned out to be the withered bodies of the institution’s living, breathing tenured faculty members.

According to the university’s public relations office, the confusion began after URI’s provost urged tenured faculty to remain current in their respective fields, so as to make the institution more nationally competitive. However, due to loss of hearing and the onset senility common among tenured faculty, many professors misinterpreted the suggestion as a literal one.

The result: dozens of aging, lifetime academics bestrew themselves horizontally in the many fields comprising the idyllic South County campus.

Due to the decaying, fragile states of many long-serving professors, research teams in the Archeology Department misinterpreted their interdepartmental colleagues with the preserved bones of…

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BREAKING: Rhode Islanders cure ALS with roster of iced-downed nobodies

Medical advances straight from the Ocean State.

LOL RI

Dr. Saul Epstein addresses reporters in Washington, exclusively crediting Rhode Islanders Ice Bucket Challenge participants for curing ALS.

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Move over, Bill Gates and Britney Spears. Thanks to the efforts of countless no-name Rhode Islanders dumping buckets of ice water over their heads on social media, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced Tuesday a cure for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS).

Background

In recent months, the social media hashtag #ALSicebucketchallenge has seen a wave of high profile celebrities dumping buckets of ice water on their heads, in an effort to raise awareness for those suffering with ALS. Participants are publicly nominated by a friend to take the challenge. Once nominated, a participant has 24 hours to either complete the challenge themselves or donate 100 dollars to an organization doing legitimate, tangible work to actually end the disease.

Since its onslaught of popularity, a wave of everyday people have taken up the ice bucket challenge, including a roster…

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Why you shouldn’t tip (at all)

An interesting look at societal norms and bucking the system.

Thought Catalog

Jeff TurnerJeff Turner

Recently, a four year old blog post has been getting a lot of attention on social media. Sometime in 2009, a man named Bhagwad Jal Park posted an excoriation on tipping entitled, Five Reasons I Won’t Tip If You’re A Waiter. The responses to the original post were mostly negative, and the article is being shared on Facebook as an example of how shitty people can be.

What disturbs me isn’t that some people don’t tip, it’s the fact that to even criticize tipping is immediately met with such vitriol and hatred that one has to question why we’re so systematically inclined to agree with service industry employees. Doesn’t it alarm anyone that we don’t even question the act of tipping? Doesn’t it bother anyone that no one has taken a step back and looked at the other side of the conversation? Isn’t anyone concerned with the…

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