Existential Crises in a Halloween town

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

"Students may have sat around campus last week, mouths agape and staring off into the distance as campus life as we knew it came to a grinding halt. But we simply won't know."

Providence is ready to embark on a year-long Halloween expedition, but is the existential problem of dressing up everyday worth free candy?

Providence citizens began preparing for a year-long Halloween initiative last October, and this week the wait finally ended. Thousands of kids trapped in adult bodies collected numerous costumes over the past few months, but now that the time has come to dress up, a worrisome question looms on the horizon of the city’s pumpkin-lined streets: Is an existential crisis worth free candy?

According to the fine folks of West Framingport, a small town tucked away in northwestern Rhode Island that adopted a similar movement five years ago, the crises stemming from struggles with self identity vary amongst the townspeople. For former Navy officer Brian Moran, the year-long celebration has come with an interesting caveat.

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Whispers in the darkness

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King – Mediocre Investigative Journalist

Be careful when speaking the words of power while on campus.

In the still of night, the whispers can be heard about campus; calls to the Black Bird of the Woods with a Thousand Young, and the shrill cries of… turkeys?

Last Friday evening, the chatter in the Don spoke of unusual activity on campus—soft hints of a gathering by the woods near the west end of campus. Sitting alone at the shadowy end of the dining hall, a black-cloaked individual stared into an uneaten plate of turkey and gravy over mashed potatoes, and spoke in hushed tones.

“…and unto he that knoweth the signs and uttereth the words, all earthly pleasures shall be granted,” the voice said, and finished with a short chuckle. The mysterious person left the table and exited the dining center.

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Literally Nothing Happened

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

"Students may have sat around campus last week, mouths agape and staring off into the distance as campus life as we knew it came to a grinding halt. But we simply won't know."

“Students may have sat around campus last week, mouths agape and staring off into the distance as campus life as we knew it came to a grinding halt. But we simply won’t know.”

Given the recent campus car chase, missing student funds, and coup of the former student governing body, nothing happened last week. Literally.

Students may have sat around campus last week, mouths agape and staring off into the distance as campus life as we knew it came to a grinding halt. But we simply won’t know.

According to Programming spokesperson, Julia Cringeworth, group events on campus weren’t cancelled–they simply didn’t take place.

“We had expected a high turnout for campus activities last week. I guess we were wrong. Come to think of it, I couldn’t even tell you if anyone actually showed up. I know I didn’t,” Cringeworth said.

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SCG overthrown in student power play

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

This establishment has had 0 days since a nonsense. We shan't tolerate a moment longer!

This regime has had 0 days since a nonsense. We shan’t tolerate a moment longer!

The longtime capitalist regime known as Student Community Government, Inc. was overthrown by a splinter cell of student communists last week. During Wednesday’s Parliament meeting, SCG President Roberta Santini was about to address the ongoing case of missing student funds, but was interrupted by roughly 100 loudly chanting student protesters, led by the nefarious student activist, Jim Brady.

“Waste of money, waste of time, leave our campus, and stop this crime!”

Deputy Speaker Samantha Mandeville pounded her gavel and demanded the protestors leave the room immediately. At Brady’s direction, the students hoisted her above their heads and carried her out of the Student Union amidst her shouts of protest and flailing appendages.

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Car chase ends in SU Loop foot race

Originally posted in The Anchor

Joe King–Mediocre Investigative Journalist

In a whirlwind of traffic violations and psychotropic drugs, The Anchor’s editor-in-chief, Jim Brady, returned to Rhode Island College last week with an

Nonsense shan't be tolerated, especially in a faux news piece. Please direct all complaints directly to el administrator del nonsensico.

Reader beware, faux news lives here.

impromptu police “escort.” According to multiple student eyewitnesses, the chase ended outside of Horace Mann Thursday night, with all involved walking away unscathed, but severely exhausted.

Brady, who is being fingered as the possible culprit behind a large amount of missing student funds earlier this semester, fled to Atlantic City with his dog a few weeks back. It was alleged that Brady was seeking help at an area rehab center, but when initial reports broke regarding a police chase on Rt. 44 in Johnston, the editor-in-chief’s name spread through police scanners. With news of his arrival reaching campus minutes ahead of him, Brady was met by RIC campus police.

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Life Cycle

swish-swash

the friendly old slosh

of working on the wash

 

long past baby bibs

reader’s digest tips

and red stains from lips

 

suds sud

suddenly

subtly…

 

swish-swash

the mish-mosh

of OshKosh b’Gosh

 

growing pains

and grape juice stains

riding in Kenmore cavalcades

 

hopes and dreams

teenage tears and screams

and that spilled ice cream

 

swish-swash

a Swiss watch

wet in the wash

 

tick tock no more

a slam of the door

the mystery pair of muddied drawers

 

a prom dress no-no

pajama bottom hobo

bleach the whites thorough

 

swish-swash

that friendly old slosh

ever eager to watch

 

years gone by

always fill to the line

now an early bird before five

 

and so it’s grandkids

who come on weekend visits

o, what a life to be lived


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